Sorry Son, Love Daddy
by CHAILYN
Summary: John is sorry, and so he writes letters to his sons.
1. Chapter 1

_**Sorry Son, Love Daddy**_

**The Reason**

**--**

_Inspired by the Brian McFadden song, 'Sorry, Love Daddy". I do not own Supernatural or its characters in any way shape or form, I just like to play with them when I can._

_Summary: John is sorry, and so he writes letters to his sons._

_--_

He waited until they had fallen asleep to escape.

It was routine. Wake up, feed boys, dress them, and send them off to school. It was like being a marine again, but that was all he had. In the corps, nothing else mattered except the objective. Once he identified his objective he could make it though, because there wasn't another option. It was his very own personal war.

In Vietnam, he knew guys who had shot themselves in the foot to go home, and he would gladly shoot any appendage if it could mean he could stop fighting this war. But this was one he couldn't escape. Every single day was a brand new assault on his soul, but he couldn't let the boys see that. He'd sworn to her once, that if something, an unspeakable _something_ ever happened...their children would be the first priority.

She made him swear that to him the night Dean was born. He still remembered it, he remembered her like it had just been yesterday. She was in the nursery with the tendrils of white blonde hair slipping over her eyes, and he just stood there and watcher her for a moment. Really watched her. She was so beautiful.

It was that night, as he took the baby from her arms, and set him into the bassinet, that she looked at him with that serious determined look in her eyes and told him to promise, that if anything ever happened to her, that he wouldn't...wouldn't what?

_Take care of him, John._

Do exactly what it was he was doing now.

He pulled up his chair and looked at her picture. The only one left. When the house burned to the ground they lost everything. He lost the only thing that mattered in life...except for his boys. They were the only reason he had to live.

He had always thought they'd have forever, and he couldn't forgive himself for that.

The picture was of her and the boys, Sammy couldn't have been older than two months, and Dean was at least four and a half. She'd been reading to them, he didn't even remember the book, but that was insignificant. It was just one of those perfect moments. He thought it was just dumb luck when he had the picture developed, no one is lucky enough to score a picture of such perfection.

A true Kodak moment.

Since then, he'd decided, it had to be compensation

A sick joke on behalf of the universe. Some ten years of perfection and then when he buried his wife....the irony of it was when she died, there was nothing left to look at.

"Mary, I am so sorry." He whispered to the picture.

He pulled out the paper and pulled the pen out of his pocket, and for one night he pushed the whiskey and gin to the center of the table and he wrote.

--


	2. Chapter 2

_**Sorry Son, Love Daddy**_

**Dean**

**--**

Dear Dean,

This isn't what I had planned for you, and for that I am sorry. I know you don't understand much of what is happening, but that you understand more than you should have to. I'm sorry that I couldn't save her for you, if one of us could have gotten out it should have been her, because your mother was the stronger one. One day I'm sure you'll resent me for not being able to protect her after everything, and you have no idea how much I wish I had saved her, and how sorry I am that you lost her.

It seems like all of this has made you grow up so much faster, and I'm sorry for that too. I'm too hard on you, harder than you remember but it's the only thing I know to do, and maybe one day you can forgive me for the mistakes I make now with you and your brother. You both are still so young, but I can see the man that you're going to become one day and even if I never tell you, I want you to know how proud of you I am. I'm not here enough for you, but it's only because I'm trying to protect you.

I know I tell you every day to look out for your brother, and it's not because I don't think you will that I repeat myself so often, but because I want you to remember that if nothing else you will always have each other. You've always taken care of your brother, and that would make your mom so proud and happy. She loved you and Sam more than anything, and if you remember nothing else about her I hope you can remember her love. You're like her in that way, you really are. I've seen how you try to act like me sometimes, that you want to be like me…but don't lose her. You're filled with love, and always want to protect everyone like she did and I don't want you to lose that. You remind me of her everyday Dean, and don't ever think that is a bad thing—remembering her is important.

Don't forget to help Sammy remember her either, he missed out on so much by not getting to know her and I know that you feel like you shouldn't talk about her but I'm depending on you to keep her alive for him.

Even now, you do so much for this family, taking care of Sam while I'm away working, always being prepared—just know that I am so sorry to have chosen this life for you, and that I am always proud of you, and that above all else,

I love you.

Dad


End file.
